Big Feelings in Small Bodies
Evidence-Based Ways to Help Kids Handle Big Emotions
+ 2 Breathing techniques to use today!
Why reasoning with a melting-down child feels like negotiating with a tiny, drunk person.
Picture this: You walk out to find your car vandalized—windows smashed, everything stolen, including your laptop with all your family photos and videos. Years of irreplaceable memories, gone. You're standing there devastated, maybe crying, feeling like your world just collapsed.
Now imagine I walk up and say, "Stop crying. Get over it. It's not that big of a deal."
Would that make you feel better?
While your kids’ problems may seem small, their brains experience losing a stuffy with the same neurological intensity as we feel during major crises—but without the developed regulatory systems to manage those feelings.
To put it simply: They have adult-sized emotions with toddler-sized coping skills
STOP—before the parent guilt freight train arrives, let me derail it. We've ALL said some version of "it's not that serious" to our melting-down kids. It's so ridiculously common and doesn't make you a bad parent whatsoever.
It's hard to remember what it felt like to be small when adult life is pulling us in seventeen different directions.
The Science Behind Big Feelings
Children's brains are still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for emotional regulation and impulse control. This region isn't fully mature until around age 25. Meanwhile, their limbic system (the emotional center) is already active and reactive.
When your child's favorite cup is in the dishwasher, their amygdala (the brain's alarm system) fires off the same stress signals as if they were facing a genuine threat. Their cortisol levels spike, their heart rate increases, and their body goes into fight-or-flight mode.
The "upstairs" and "downstairs" brain concept helps explain this: The downstairs brain handles emotions and survival instincts—it's fully online from birth. The upstairs brain manages logic, reasoning, problem-solving, decision-making, and emotional regulation—but it's still under construction for decades.
When big emotions hit, the upstairs brain literally goes offline - super helpful, right? But that's why reasoning with a melting-down child feels like trying to negotiate with a tiny, very drunk person who only speaks in screams. Their logical brain has temporarily left the building.
Brain imaging studies show that children who receive empathetic responses during emotional moments develop stronger neural pathways for self-regulation. Every time you acknowledge their feelings instead of dismissing them, you're literally helping build their emotional infrastructure.
But, before you start panicking about every time you've rolled your eyes or said "it's fine" when they were melting down—breathe. You don't need to be the perfect, zen-like parent who never loses their $h!t.
The goal isn't Perfection. It's Connection.
Connection means showing up as your most authentic self—not a perfect parent robot, but a real human who's doing their best. It means setting boundaries when you need them, taking care of yourself so you can take care of them, and recognizing that your needs matter too.
Here's what really matters: showing up, staying curious about what they're experiencing, and being willing to repair when things go sideways.
You are good enough. And good enough includes having bad days, making mistakes, and figuring it out as you go.
Evidence-Based Ways to Help Kids Handle Big Emotions
1. Name It to Tame It
When big emotions hit, help your child identify what they're feeling. The simple act of labeling emotions activates the prefrontal cortex and literally calms the amygdala.
Instead of: "Stop crying, it's just a toy." Try: "You're really disappointed that your toy broke. That's such a big feeling. I know you’re sad."
Research shows that when children learn to name their emotions, they develop better emotional regulation skills and stronger neural pathways for self-soothing.
2. S-T-O-P
When you notice the emotional storm brewing:
Stay calm (your regulation helps theirs)
Tune in to what they're experiencing
Offer empathy before solutions
Partner with them to problem-solve (when they're ready)
Remember: You can't reason with the downstairs brain when it's in charge. Connection before correction, always.
3. Validate First, Redirect Second
Validation doesn't mean agreeing or giving in—it means acknowledging their emotional experience as real and important.
What validation sounds like:
"You really wanted that cookie. It's hard when we can't have what we want."
"You're so frustrated that your tower fell down. You worked really hard on it."
"It feels scary when I have to leave for work. You wish I could stay."
After validation, then redirect:
"Let's figure out together what might help."
"What should we do with these big feelings?"
4. Co-Regulation Before Self-Regulation
Children learn emotional regulation through co-regulating with calm adults. You can't teach a skill your child's brain isn't developmentally ready for yet.
Co-regulation looks like:
Taking deep breaths together
Using a calm, steady voice
Staying physically close (if they want it)
Modeling the behavior you want to see
Think of yourself as their external nervous system while theirs is still developing.
5. The Power of "And"
Replace "but" with "and" to hold space for multiple truths:
"You're angry about bedtime AND it's time to sleep."
"You want more screen time AND our screen time is done for today."
This simple shift validates their feelings while maintaining necessary boundaries.
6. Create an Emotion Toolkit
When everyone is calm, work together to create strategies for when big feelings come up. Practice and see what helps them best, and use those more!
Physical release: jumping jacks, pushing against a wall, squeezing a stress ball Breathing techniques: blowing bubbles, "flower breath" (smell the flower, blow out the candle) Comfort items: special stuffed animal, cozy blanket, favorite book Sensory support: fidget toys, noise-canceling headphones, weighted lap pad
Having predetermined strategies gives children concrete tools when their upstairs brain goes offline.
7. The Repair Process
When you lose your cool (because you will—you're human), model the repair process:
"I'm sorry I yelled. You were frustrated about your shoes, and I got frustrated too. That wasn't helpful. Let's try again."
Research shows that children who see adults repair mistakes develop better emotional resilience and stronger relationships.
Remember: Progress, Not Perfection
Building emotional regulation skills is like learning to ride a bike—there will be wobbles, falls, and do-overs. Your child's brain is literally under construction for the next two decades.
Some days you'll nail the co-regulation dance. Other days, you'll end up googling "is it normal to hide in the bathroom from your children" (yes, it is).
The goal isn't to eliminate big emotions—they're a normal, healthy part of being human. The goal is to help your child learn that feelings are temporary, manageable, and something they can move through with support.
Bottom line: You're not trying to raise a child who never feels big emotions. You're raising a future adult who knows how to handle them.
Your patience, empathy, and willingness to stay connected during the hard moments is helping wire your child’s brain for emotional resilience.
During tough moments, remember: They’re not giving you a hard time—they're having a hard time. The more you can remember that, the easier it becomes to respond with compassion instead of frustration.
You've got this—one big feeling at a time.
2 Breathing Techniques to try today!
1. Flower and Candle Breath
Have your child pretend they're smelling a flower, then blowing out a birthday candle:
Inhale slowly through the nose (smell the flower) for 3-4 counts
Exhale slowly through the mouth (blow out the candle) for 4-5 counts
Repeat 3-5 times
Kids love imagery, and it comes naturally to them. Let your kiddo describe what kind of flower they want to smell. This will help them see it in their mind's eye more clearly.
2. Bubble Breathing
Perfect if you have actual bubbles, but it works with pretend ones too:
Inhale slowly to "fill up your bubble breath"
Exhale very slowly and steadily to blow a big, perfect bubble (if it's too fast, the bubble "pops")
The goal is making the biggest, most beautiful bubble possible
This technique is great because kids naturally want to make their exhale long and controlled to create the best bubble, which is exactly what calms their nervous system.
