Silence Is Strategic ( Ep 2)
The Research, Quotes & Sources Behind the Concept
A Duck’s Therapist® | aduckstherapist.com | WADDLE Podcast
This post compiles all of the clinical research, book citations, and direct quotes used in the WADDLE Podcast episode “Why Silence Is Strategic.” Each source is listed with context. This is designed to serve as a reference document for therapists, educators, and parents who want to go deeper on the science behind strategic silence.
The Therapeutic Use of Silence
Research on Silence in Psychotherapy
The clinical literature on silence in therapy goes back decades, and establishes clearly that silence is not merely the absence of speech — it is an active, multifunctional tool.
Hill, C.E., Thompson, B.J., & Ladany, N. (2003). Therapist Use of Silence in Therapy: A Survey. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 59(4).
This foundational survey of 81 therapists found that clinicians used silence primarily to facilitate reflection, encourage client responsibility, and convey empathy. Therapists reported using silence as a therapeutic intervention across multiple modalities including psychoanalytic, humanistic, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. The research also confirmed that clients use silence to formulate their thoughts and reflect on therapeutic content.
“Silence may be used by the therapist to promote components of the therapeutic relationship, such as rapport building, collaboration, and empathy. Clients may similarly utilise silence intentionally to formulate their next thought and to reflect on therapeutic content.” — Hill et al., 2003, as cited in Soma et al., 2022 (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy)
Cuttler, E., Hill, C.E., King, S., & Kivlighan, D.M. Jr. (2019). Productive Silence Is Golden: Predicting Changes in Client Collaboration from Process During Silence and Client Attachment Style in Psychodynamic Therapy.
This study demonstrated that productive silence — as distinct from obstructive or disengaged silence — was associated with positive outcomes in psychotherapy. Productive silence did not negatively impact the working alliance or session satisfaction; in fact, it was associated with increased client collaboration.
Levitt, H.M. (2001). Sounds of Silence in Psychotherapy: The Categorization of Clients’ Pauses. Psychotherapy Research.
Levitt’s qualitative study of client pausing experiences identified seven distinct categories of silence in therapy: disengaged, emotional, interactional, reflexive, expressive, associational, and mnemonic. This work underscores that silence is not one thing — it is a rich, heterogeneous set of experiences that serve very different functions for clients in the room.
Soma, C.S. et al. (2022). Therapist Perspectives on Using Silence in Therapy: A Qualitative Study. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research. British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.
This qualitative study of therapists found that silence is used across modalities for reflection, empathy, and rapport building. The study also confirmed that novice clinicians often view silence as unproductive due to discomfort, but that experienced clinicians come to see it as one of their most powerful tools.
“The judicious use of silence during therapy is believed to be a method of conveying empathy, respect, and understanding, whilst also constituting a way of gently challenging clients to contribute to therapeutic goals.” — Ladany et al., 2004, as cited in Soma et al., 2022
Blanton, P.G. (2007). The Other Mindful Practice: Centering Prayer and Psychotherapy. Pastoral Psychology.
Blanton connects contemplative traditions of silence to psychotherapeutic practice, arguing that intentional, grounded silence in clinical settings facilitates client contemplation. The study is one of several that establishes the conceptual link between meditative silence and healing presence.
As cited in: Ladany et al. (2004); Soma et al. (2022); ResearchGate, Therapist Perspectives on Using Silence in Therapy.
Compassionate Silence vs. Withholding Silence
Beckman, H.B., & Frankel, R.M. (2003). Compassionate Silence in the Patient–Clinician Encounter: A Contemplative Approach. Family Medicine. PMC2939848.
This research makes one of the most clinically important distinctions in the silence literature: the difference between silence that withholds speech and silence that invites participation. The authors add a third category, compassionate silence, which they describe as a quality of mind and presence that affirms relatedness and understanding.
“A silence with therapeutic effects is not simply a matter of withholding speech. The medical and psychotherapeutic literature discusses silences that result from withholding and silences that invite participation... There is another kind of silence not previously defined in the medical literature that reflects the quality of mind that the clinician contributes to the encounter; this silence affirms relatedness and understanding, and allows for mutual wisdom to arise.” — Beckman & Frankel, 2003 (PMC)
“The difference between an invitational silence and an awkward one is the clinician’s intention. The clinician deliberately creates a silence meant to convey empathy, allow a patient time to think or feel, or to invite the patient into the conversation in some way.” — Beckman & Frankel, 2003 (PMC)
Dan Siegel — The Neuroscience of Words Under Stress
Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam Books.
Dr. Dan Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and founding co-director of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center. A graduate of Harvard Medical School, Siegel’s work on interpersonal neurobiology forms the scientific backbone for much of what we know about how language, connection, and the developing brain interact.
In No-Drama Discipline, Siegel and Bryson introduce the REDIRECT method for responding to children in moments of emotional dysregulation. The very first step — the R — is Reduce Words. Their reasoning is neurobiological: when a child’s stress response is activated, the brain’s capacity to process language is significantly diminished. Adding more words does not teach; it overwhelms.
“Effective discipline means that we’re not only stopping a bad behavior or promoting a good one, but also teaching skills and nurturing the connections in our children’s brains that will help them make better decisions and handle themselves well in the future.” — Siegel & Bryson, No-Drama Discipline
“Many parents these days are learning that discipline will be much more respectful — and, yes, effective — if they initiate a collaborative, reciprocal, bidirectional dialogue, rather than delivering a monologue.” — Siegel & Bryson, No-Drama Discipline
“For a child or an adult, it’s extremely powerful to hear someone say, “I get you. I understand. I see why you feel this way.” This kind of empathy disarms us.” — Siegel & Bryson, No-Drama Discipline
“We now know that the way to help a child develop optimally is to help create connections in her brain — her whole brain — that develop skills that lead to better relationships, better mental health, and more meaningful lives.” — Siegel & Bryson, No-Drama Discipline
“Curiosity is the cornerstone of effective discipline.” — Siegel & Bryson, No-Drama Discipline
“Say yes to the feelings, even as you say no to the behavior.” — Siegel & Bryson, No-Drama Discipline
The REDIRECT steps from No-Drama Discipline include: Reduce words, Embrace emotions, Describe (don’t preach), Involve the child in discipline (dialogue, don’t monologue), Reframe no into a yes with conditions, Emphasize the positive, and Creatively approach the situation. The first step — reduce words — establishes the entire framework: you cannot teach a dysregulated brain.
Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline. Bantam Books. ISBN: 978-0345548061. Also available: drdansiegel.com
Siegel’s Upstairs/Downstairs Brain Model
Central to Siegel’s work across multiple books (The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline) is the concept of the “upstairs” and “downstairs” brain. The downstairs brain (amygdala, brainstem) handles survival, fight-or-flight, and big emotions. The upstairs brain (prefrontal cortex) handles logic, empathy, and decision-making. When a child is dysregulated, they have “flipped their lid” — the downstairs brain is in charge, and the upstairs brain is essentially offline.
This is why reducing words during emotional moments is not passive or permissive: it is a neurobiologically informed response. A brain in fight-or-flight cannot absorb a lesson. The lesson must wait until the upstairs brain comes back online.
Dr. Becky Kennedy — Connection Before Correction
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Collins.
Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist and bestselling author named “The Millennial Parenting Whisperer” by TIME Magazine. Her approach centers on one foundational principle: children are good inside, and behavior is information about what they need, not evidence of who they are.
Her work builds directly on Siegel’s neuroscience to make the case that connection must always precede correction — and that a dysregulated brain is simply not capable of learning in the moment.
“As a result, many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need.” — Kennedy, Good Inside
“When we really connect with a child, see their experience, allow for their feelings, and make an effort to understand what is going on for them, we build our capital. Having a healthy amount of connection capital leads kids to feel confident, capable, safe, and worthy. And these positive feelings on the inside lead to “good” behavior on the outside — behavior like cooperation, flexibility, and regulation. So in order to create positive change, we have to first build connection, which will lead kids to feel better, which will then lead them to behave better. But note, behavior comes last. We cannot start there. We must start with connection.” — Kennedy, Good Inside
“We often seek to shut down a child’s tantrum in an attempt to shut out our own distress.” — Kennedy, Good Inside (as cited in Kolina Cicero, Substack synthesis)
“By returning to the scene of the emotional fire and layering on connection, empathy, and understanding, you add key elements of regulation on top of the moment of dysregulation.” — Kennedy, Good Inside
“Building resilience is about developing the capacity to tolerate distress, to stay in and with a tough, challenging moment, to find our footing and our goodness even when we don’t have confirmation of achievement or pending success.” — Kennedy, Good Inside
“Finding the good inside can often come from asking ourselves one simple question: “What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”” — Kennedy, Good Inside
Kennedy’s framework explicitly addresses parental dysregulation during a child’s meltdown: parents are encouraged to recognize that their own urge to talk, explain, or fix is often driven by their own nervous system’s discomfort — not the child’s actual need in that moment.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Collins. ISBN: 978-0063159488. Also available: drbeckyatgoodinside.com
Chris Voss — Strategic Silence in High-Stakes Communication
Voss, C. (2016). Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It. Harper Business.
Chris Voss is a former FBI lead international kidnapping negotiator, founder of The Black Swan Group, and professor of negotiation at USC, Georgetown, and Harvard Business School. Although Never Split the Difference is a negotiation book, its principles map directly onto therapeutic communication and parenting — particularly around the strategic use of silence to create space for the other person to process and be heard.
“Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible. To quiet the voices in your head, make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. Slow. It. Down.” — Voss, Never Split the Difference
“Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. You risk undermining the rapport and trust you’ve built.” — Voss, Never Split the Difference
“The last rule of labeling is silence. Once you’ve thrown out a label, be quiet and listen.” — Voss, Never Split the Difference
“After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in. Don’t worry, the other party will fill the silence.” — Voss, Never Split the Difference (as cited in Obedparla.com book notes)
“This is listening as a martial art, balancing the subtle behaviors of emotional intelligence and the assertive skills of influence, to gain access to the mind of another person. Contrary to popular opinion, listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do.” — Voss, Never Split the Difference
“Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.” — Voss, Never Split the Difference
Voss’s technique of mirroring — repeating the last one to three words someone says, followed by silence — is a simple but powerful tool that applies equally in negotiation rooms and living rooms. The silence that follows a mirror is not empty; it is an invitation for the other person to continue, elaborate, and feel heard.
“Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding.” — Voss, Never Split the Difference
Voss, C. (2016). Never Split the Difference. Harper Business. ISBN: 978-0062407801. Voss is CEO of The Black Swan Group: blackswanltd.com
Transactional Analysis — What Your Body Says When You Stand Over a Child
Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. Grove Press.
Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press.
Harris, T. (1967). I’m OK — You’re OK. Harper & Row.
Transactional Analysis (TA), developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne in the 1950s, provides a framework for understanding how the ego states we operate from — Parent, Adult, or Child — shape every interaction we have. This is especially relevant when it comes to the physical dynamics of parenting: where you position your body relative to a child communicates a message before a single word is spoken.
The three ego states in TA are: the Parent (recording of absorbed attitudes and behaviors from authority figures), the Adult (rational, present-focused, data-processing), and the Child (emotional, spontaneous, adaptive). The Parent ego state is subdivided into the Critical/Controlling Parent and the Nurturing Parent.
“The Critical/Controlling Parent ego state behaviours generally represent the corrective behaviours of real parents and the prohibitive messages of society, and are characterized by “should,” “must” and “ought to” statements, including aspects of power, protection, principle and demand.” — Berne, as described in Charles Lucas Psychology, TA Reference
In TA, the four life positions are: I’m OK — You’re OK (healthiest); I’m OK — You’re not OK (superior/critical); I’m not OK — You’re OK (inferior); I’m not OK — You’re not OK (hopeless). When a caregiver stands over a dysregulated child and lectures or corrects from a height advantage, the physical posture embodies the “I’m OK, You’re not OK” position — a Critical Parent stance — which the child’s nervous system reads instantly.
“Each one of the ego states is a system of communication with its own language and function. The Parent’s is a language of values, the Adult’s is a language of logic and rationality, and the Child’s is a language of emotions.” — Berne, as cited in Executive Coaching Concepts, Transactional Analysis Reference
“When a person is in the Parent ego state, she thinks, feels and behaves like one of her parents or someone who took their place. The Parent decides, without reasoning, how to react to situations, what is good or bad, and how people should live.” — Berne, as cited in Executive Coaching Concepts
The practical application: when caregivers come down to or below a child’s eye level during a dysregulated moment, they are physically shifting out of the Critical Parent ego state and into something much more aligned with the Nurturing Parent or Adult — a posture that signals, without words: “I am with you, not over you.”
Primary sources: Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play. Grove Press. | Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press. | Harris, T. (1967). I’m OK — You’re OK. Harper & Row. Secondary references: SimplyPsychology.org; CharlesLucas.com.au; HeatherHayes.com; ExecutiveCoachingConcepts.com
The Neuroscience of Co-Regulation
Feldman, R. et al. (2022). Parent-Child Co-Regulation from Infancy to Adolescence. Developmental Review, 63. PMC11592606.
Handspring Health (2025). Co-Regulation: Tools to Support Kids’ Emotions. Clinical Review. handspringhealth.com
Co-regulation is the biological process by which a caregiver’s calm, regulated nervous system helps a child’s dysregulated nervous system return to equilibrium. It is not a parenting style or philosophy — it is a neurobiological reality grounded in decades of developmental science.
“The child’s developing brain is wired to attune to the emotional states of their caregiver, and through processes like dyadic synchrony, their emotional systems begin to align. When a caregiver models calm, responsive engagement, it activates the child’s own regulatory pathways, facilitating balance and emotional safety.” — Handspring Health, Co-Regulation Clinical Guide, 2025
“Co-regulation works through a process known as neural attunement — the synchronization of the caregiver’s and child’s nervous systems. When caregivers remain calm, it sends a clear message to the child’s brain that the environment is safe, which helps the child’s own emotional and physiological state return to balance.” — Handspring Health, Co-Regulation Clinical Guide, 2025
“One of the key mechanisms behind this phenomenon is the mirror neuron system — a network of specialized brain cells that allows individuals to unconsciously simulate and reflect the emotional states of others. In caregiving relationships, this means a calm, emotionally regulated adult can exert a powerful stabilizing influence on a dysregulated child, both behaviorally.” — Handspring Health, Co-Regulation Clinical Guide, 2025
“Research indicates that when parent and child co-regulate well, their heart rate patterns sync up.” — PX Docs, Co-Regulation Research Summary (citing Feldman et al., 2022)
Soma, C.S. (2022). Therapist Use of Silence. BACP / Wiley (citing Porges Polyvagal Theory)
The Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, provides a neurobiological explanation for why a caregiver’s physical and vocal presence matters so much during a child’s distress. The ventral vagal system — associated with social engagement, safety, and calm — is activated by specific cues: soft eye contact, a regulated voice tone, open body posture, and calm physical proximity.
“Inner silence enhances activity of the ventral vagus, favoring social engagement, and reducing sympathetic nervous system activity and physiological stress.” — ScienceDirect, Silence and Its Effects on the Autonomic Nervous System: A Systematic Review (2023)
ACF / USDHHS. Self-Regulation and Toxic Stress Report 2. Foundations for Understanding Self-Regulation from an Applied Developmental Perspective.
This federal research review defines co-regulation as “an interactional process in which a caregiver provides support, scaffolding, and modeling that facilitates a child’s ability to understand, express, and modulate feelings, thoughts, and behavior.”
“Self-regulation is conceptualized as being dependent on co-regulation provided by parents or other caregiving adults — that is, an interactional process in which a caregiver provides support, scaffolding, and modeling that facilitates a child’s ability to understand, express, and modulate feelings, thoughts, and behavior.” — ACF / USDHHS Self-Regulation and Toxic Stress Report
Dr. Greenspan Floortime. How Infants Learn to Regulate Part 2: From Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation.
“If a child is escalating toward a meltdown or becoming hyperactive, the caregiver “counters” this over-arousal by slowing down and being calm. This involves softening their affect, decreasing the volume of their voice, slowing down language patterns, and providing soothing physical input to help the child slow down.” — Dr. Greenspan Floortime, Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation
The Silence-Presence Distinction
A theme across all of these sources is the distinction between silence as absence and silence as presence. Strategic silence — in therapy, parenting, negotiation, and relationships — is not checked-out, cold, or passive. It is fully present, nonverbally communicative, and intentionally regulated.
“Silence is a multi-faceted method of communication. Research found that silence has several functions: that of power, mutual rapport and agreement, active listening and contemplation.” — Therapist Use of Silence in Therapy: A Survey (as cited in Academia.edu)
“Experience of silence as an element of care was found in palliative and spiritual care, psychotherapy and counselling, supporting existing recognition of the value of silence as a skill and practice. As a multi-functional element of interpersonal relationships, silence operates in partnership with speech to support therapeutic communication.” — ResearchGate, Therapist Perspectives on Using Silence in Therapy: A Qualitative Study (systematic review of 18 studies)
“Children read body language faster than language.” — In the Cortex Brain Reorganization, The Parent’s Guide to Co-Regulation (2026)
Full Reference List
All sources used in the WADDLE Podcast episode “Why Silence Is Strategic” and this companion blog post:
Books & Primary Authored Sources
Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press.
Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. Grove Press.
Harris, T. (1967). I’m OK — You’re OK. Harper & Row.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Collins. ISBN: 978-0063159488.
Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child. Bantam Books.
Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam Books. ISBN: 978-0345548061.
Voss, C. (2016). Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It. Harper Business. ISBN: 978-0062407801.
Peer-Reviewed Research
Beckman, H.B., & Frankel, R.M. (2003). Compassionate Silence in the Patient-Clinician Encounter: A Contemplative Approach. Family Medicine. PMC2939848.
Cuttler, E., Hill, C.E., King, S., & Kivlighan, D.M. Jr. (2019). Productive Silence Is Golden. Psychodynamic therapy outcomes research.
Daniel, S.I., Folke, S., Lunn, S., Gondan, M., & Poulsen, S. (2018). Mind the gap: In-session silences are associated with client attachment insecurity, therapeutic alliance, and treatment outcome. Psychotherapy Research, 28(2), 203–216.
Feldman, R. et al. (2022). Parent-Child Co-Regulation from Infancy to Adolescence. Developmental Review, 63. PMC11592606.
Hill, C.E., Thompson, B.J., & Ladany, N. (2003). Therapist Use of Silence in Therapy: A Survey. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 59(4). PubMed: 12652641.
Ladany, N. et al. (2004). Therapist Perspectives on Using Silence in Therapy: A Qualitative Study. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research.
Levitt, H.M. (2001). Sounds of Silence in Psychotherapy: The Categorization of Clients’ Pauses. Psychotherapy Research.
Soma, C.S. et al. (2022). Therapist Use of Silence: A Survey. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research. British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.
ScienceDirect. (2023). Silence and Its Effects on the Autonomic Nervous System: A Systematic Review. doi: 10.1016/S0079-6123(23)00069-9
Sullivan, R.M. et al. (2022). Neurobiology of Parental Regulation of the Infant and Its Disruption by Trauma Within Attachment. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience. doi: 10.3389/fnbeh.2022.806323
ACF / USDHHS. Self-Regulation and Toxic Stress Report 2: Foundations for Understanding Self-Regulation from an Applied Developmental Perspective. acf.gov
Online Clinical & Educational References
Dr. Greenspan Floortime (2025). How Infants Learn to Regulate Part 2: From Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation. stanleygreenspan.com
Handspring Health (2025). Co-Regulation: Tools to Support Kids’ Emotions. handspringhealth.com
In the Cortex (2026). The Parent’s Guide to Co-Regulation. blog.inthecortex.com
SimplyPsychology.org. Transactional Analysis: Eric Berne. simplypsychology.org
PX Docs (2025). Co-Regulation: How Your Nervous System Shapes Your Child’s Behavior. pxdocs.com
This document was prepared as a companion resource to the WADDLE Podcast, hosted by Eliza, LPC. A Duck’s Therapist® is a registered trademark
