Stop “Should-ing Yourself”: A Cognitive Distortion
This Blog incorporates evidence-based research from CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)
As we make our way into adulthood, we're handed a not-so-thrilling invite to Club “Expectations”, where the vibe is stressful, the dress code is a straitjacket, and the soundtrack is that relentless inner voice saying, "You're not doing enough”. We juggle work, family, social life, personal goals, and endless to-do lists that somehow keep piling on. “Should” statements are the rigid self-imposed rules we create about how things should be—how we should act, what we should achieve, or how life should look, and they can make these already heavy tasks feel unbearable. Far from motivating, these “shoulds” often lead to shame, overwhelm, and inaction. They trap us in a cycle of self-criticism and impossible expectations, often leaving us feeling paralyzed.
What Are “Should” Statements?
In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), “should” statements are a common cognitive distortion where we impose unrealistic or rigid expectations on ourselves, others, or the world. They’re often phrased with words like “should,” “must,” “ought to,” or “have to.” For example:
“I should be more productive today.”
“I should deep clean my whole home.”
“My kids should always behave in public.”
“I should be further along in my career by now.”
These statements act like internal judges, constantly evaluating our actions against an idealized standard. While they might seem motivating at first glance, they often backfire, leaving us feeling inadequate and stuck.
How “Should” Leads to Shame
The word “should” is a loaded term. It implies that there’s a right way to be, and if you’re not meeting that standard, you’re failing. This sets up a direct path to shame—the painful feeling that you are inherently flawed or not enough. Here’s how it happens:
Judgment and Comparison: “Should” statements compare your reality to an idealized version of yourself or others. For example, “I should be as fit as my friend” or “I should be a more patient parent” pits you against an oftentimes unattainable benchmark, making you feel inferior.
Moral Overtones: “Should” carries a moral weight, suggesting you’re not just falling short but doing something wrong. For instance, “I should spend more time with my kids” can quickly morph into “I’m a bad parent,” triggering deep shame.
Subconscious Self-Criticism: Often, we don’t even notice how harshly we’re judging ourselves. A fleeting thought like “I should have finished that project” can subtly reinforce the belief that you’re lazy or incompetent, eroding self-esteem over time.
Shame is particularly insidious because it’s not just about what you do—it’s about who you are. When we “should” ourselves, we’re not just critiquing our actions; we’re attacking our worth.
The Overwhelm of an Impossible To-Do List
One of the most paralyzing aspects of “should” statements is how quickly they pile up. In just a minute, you can rattle off a hundred things you “should” be doing:
“I should meal-prep for the week.”
“I should declutter the garage.”
“I should call my parents.”
“I should start that side hustle.”
“I should go to the gym and then go to yoga after.”
“I should wash my car, it’s disgusting.”
“I should deep clean the bathroom.”
“I should be working on my business.”
“I should meditate and take a shower.”
“I should pick every weed in my backyard today.”
And on and on.
This mental to-do list is overwhelming because it is impossible to do everything at once- or even in a single day. Yet, each “should” we tell ourselves feels urgent and non-negotiable, creating a sense that you’re already behind. This instantly makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong, even if you’re being productive. The result? A crushing sense of failure before you’ve even started.
When “Should” Leads to Inaction
Ironically, the very “shoulds” meant to spur us into action often lead to paralysis. When we overwhelm ourselves with a laundry list of expectations—like “Today, I need to clean the whole house, organize every closet, go grocery shopping, and work on my sewing project”—we create a mental roadblock. Here’s why:
Decision Fatigue: With so many “shoulds” competing for attention, we don’t know where to start. The sheer volume of tasks feels insurmountable, so we freeze.
Perfectionism: “Should” statements often imply a perfect outcome (e.g., “The house should be spotless”). When we can’t achieve that ideal, we may avoid starting altogether to avoid “failing.”
Anxiety and Worry: The pressure to meet unrealistic expectations triggers anxiety. Thoughts like “I’ll never get this all done” or “I’m letting everyone down” can spiral, leaving us stuck in worry rather than action.
The weight of these expectations can be so daunting that we end up doing none of it, feeling defeated instead.
The Subconscious Shame of Unrealistic Expectations
Many of our “shoulds” are rooted in unrealistic or impossible standards, often absorbed from societal pressures, social media, or our own perfectionist tendencies. For instance:
“I should be able to work full-time, parent perfectly, and have a thriving social life” ignores the reality of limited time and energy.
“My kids should always be happy and well-behaved” disregards the natural ups and downs of child development.
When we hold ourselves to these standards, we set ourselves up for failure. Subconsciously, we shame ourselves for not achieving the unachievable, reinforcing beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m always falling short.” This self-shaming is especially tough for parents, who often feel they “should” be superhuman, flawless caregivers, providers, and role models—all while managing their own lives.
The Power of One Thing at a Time
The antidote to the “should” trap lies in shifting from overwhelming expectations to small, actionable steps. Instead of drowning in a sea of “shoulds,” ask yourself, “What’s one thing I can do right this very minute?” Then, do it. Once it’s done, ask again. This approach is transformative for several reasons:
It Reduces Overwhelm: Focusing on one task at a time makes the impossible feel manageable. For example, instead of “I should clean the whole house,” start with “I’ll tidy the kitchen counter for 10 minutes.”
It Builds Momentum: Completing one small task creates a sense of accomplishment, motivating you to tackle the next. This snowball effect is far more effective than a daunting to-do list.
It Quiets Shame: By celebrating small wins, you counteract the narrative that you’re “not enough.” Each step forward proves you’re capable and worthy.
It Grounds You in the Present: Asking “What’s one thing I can do now?” keeps you focused on the moment, reducing anxiety about everything else you “should” be doing.
For instance, instead of thinking, “I should get to my sewing project, clean the house, and go grocery shopping,” try: “Right now, I’ll put away one pile of laundry.” After that, you might decide to make a grocery list. Each step is a victory, and together, they add up to progress. If things feel extremely heavy, pick something tiny and say, “I can do this right now as I’m sorting through these other tasks”.
How to Help:
Reframe “Should” as “Could” or “Want”
Replace “I should” with “I could” or “I want to.” This shifts the tone from obligation to choice, reducing pressure. For example, “I should exercise” becomes “I could go for a walk because it feels good.” This empowers you to align actions with your values rather than external rules.
Challenge the Source of Your “Shoulds”
Ask, “Where is this ‘should’ coming from?” Is it social media, cultural norms, or your inner critic? For example, the idea that you “should” have a Pinterest-perfect home might stem from curated online images, not your actual needs.
Practice Self-Compassion
Shame thrives when we judge ourselves harshly. Counter it with kindness. Remind yourself, “I’m doing my best with the time and energy I have.” Treat yourself as you would a friend who’s struggling.
Set Realistic Expectations
Break tasks into bite-sized pieces and prioritize based on what’s truly important. For example, instead of “I should be a perfect parent,” focus on “I’ll spend 2o dedicated minutes playing with my kids today and be present the whole time.”
Recognize the Parenting Pressure
Parents face unique “shoulds,” like “I should always be patient” or “I should give my kids every opportunity.” These can lead to guilt and burnout. Remember that being a “good enough” or “I am trying my best” parent—present, loving, and human—is more than enough.
Seek Support if Needed
If “should” statements are fueling chronic shame or anxiety, consider talking to a therapist or talk to a good friend. They can help you identify and reframe these thoughts.
How “Should” Statements Show Up in Kids
Kids encounter “shoulds” in various forms, often reflecting their developmental stage and social pressures:
Younger kids (ages 4–8): Their “shoulds” might focus on behavior or approval, like “I should always be good” or “I should make Mom happy.” These stem from a desire to please adults and a limited understanding of complex emotions.
School-age kids (ages 9–12): As peer influence grows, they might think, “I should be cool” or “I should be great at everything.” Academic and social comparisons fuel these thoughts.
Teens (ages 13–18): With heightened self-consciousness, teens face intense “shoulds” like “I should know what I want to do with my life” or “I should have a perfect body.” Social media and societal expectations amplify these pressures.
These “shoulds” can make kids feel they’re falling short, triggering shame—the belief that they’re inherently flawed. For example, a child who thinks, “I should have more friends” might internalize, “I’m not likable,” even if they’re well-liked.
Why It’s Harmful for Kids
“Should” statements can harm kids by:
Lowering Self-Esteem: Constantly measuring themselves against impossible standards makes kids feel inadequate.
Increasing Anxiety: Thoughts like “I should be perfect” create pressure to avoid mistakes, leading to worry or fear of failure.
Stifling Effort: Overwhelmed by “shoulds,” kids may give up, thinking, “If I can’t do it perfectly, why try?”
Shaping Negative Core Beliefs: Repeated “shoulds” can solidify beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” which can persist into adulthood.
As parents, we can intervene early to help kids avoid this cycle, teaching them to approach life with flexibility and self-kindness.
Strategies to Help Kids Steer Clear of “Should” Shame
Here are practical, age-appropriate ways to help your kids recognize and reframe “should” statements, fostering a healthier mindset:
Model “Should”-Free Language
What to do: Show kids how to replace “should” with empowering alternatives like “could,” “want,” or “I’m learning to.” For example, instead of saying, “Ugh, I should have cleaned the house today,” say, “I can spend 10 minutes picking up the living room right now.” Share your thought process aloud: “I’m choosing to focus on tasks today, one at a time and see how much I can get done.”
Why it helps: Kids mimic how parents talk to themselves. Modeling flexible, compassionate language teaches them to avoid self-judgment.
Example: If your child says, “I should be better at math,” respond, “You could practice a few problems with me, and we’ll get better together. It’s okay to learn step by step.”
Name the “Should” Monster
What to do: Make “shoulds” tangible for younger kids by personifying them as a “Should Monster” or “Bossy Voice” that tries to make them feel bad. When they express a “should” (e.g., “I should have won the game”), say, “Uh-oh, sounds like the Should Monster is talking! What’s a kinder thing we can say?” Encourage them to reframe it, like, “I had fun playing, and I’ll keep practicing.”
Why it helps: Externalizing the distortion makes it less personal and easier to challenge, especially for younger kids who respond to playful imagery.
For teens: Use a more mature version, like, “That sounds like your inner critic. What would you say to a friend who felt this way?”
Teach the “Evidence Check”
What to do: Help kids evaluate their “shoulds” by asking, “Is this true? What’s the proof?” For example, if they say, “I should be more popular,” ask, “What makes you think that? Who are the friends you enjoy? Do they like spending time with you?” Guide them to see that their “should” isn’t based on reality.
Why it helps: This builds critical thinking, helping kids separate feelings from facts and challenge unrealistic expectations.
For younger kids: Simplify it: “Let’s be detectives. What does being popular mean? Are you saying you want to play with every kid in your class at reccess, or do you enjoy playing on the swings with your best friends ?”
Reframe “Should” as Growth
What to do: When kids express a “should,” help them shift to a growth mindset. For example, if they say, “I should know how to do this,” respond, “You’re learning how to do this, and every try gets you closer.” Emphasize effort over perfection.
Why it helps: This counters the all-or-nothing thinking of “shoulds,” teaching kids that progress is valuable and mistakes are part of learning.
For teens: Tie it to their goals: “Instead of ‘I should be good at this already,’ try ‘I’m working on getting better, and I’ll take it one step at a time.’”
Focus on One Thing at a Time
What to do: Kids can get overwhelmed by “shoulds” like “I should finish all my homework, be great at sports, and make new friends.” Teach them to ask, “What’s one thing I can do right now?” For example, “Let’s start with one math problem, then we’ll pick the next thing.”
Why it helps: This reduces overwhelm and builds confidence through small wins, showing kids they don’t have to do everything at once. Also, action leads to more action. Starting one thing can help build momentum.
Example: If your child says, “I should be ready for the science fair and have it all perfect,” say, “Let’s pick one part to work on today. What’s one thing you can do for it?”
Build Self-Compassion
What to do: Encourage kids to treat themselves as kindly as they would a friend. If they say, “I should have done better on the test,” ask, “What would you say to your best friend if they felt this way?” Help them craft a compassionate response, like, “I tried my best, and I can study more next time.”
Why it helps: Self-compassion counters shame, helping kids see their worth beyond their achievements.
For younger kids: Use a physical cue, like hugging themselves while saying, “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”
Challenge External “Shoulds”
What to do: Help kids identify where their “shoulds” come from—social media, peers, or even well-meaning adults. If they say, “I should look a certain way,” ask, “Who says that? Does that match what you value?” Discuss how unrealistic standards (e.g., perfect influencers or “cool” cliques) don’t reflect reality.
Why it helps: This empowers kids to question external pressures and define their own values, reducing the influence of toxic “shoulds.”
For teens: Use media literacy: “Let’s look at this Instagram post together. Do you think their life is really perfect, or are they showing just one moment?”
Celebrate Effort and Imperfection
What to do: Praise your child’s effort, not just outcomes, to show that trying is enough. For example, “I’m so proud of how you kept practicing your lines for the play, even when it was tough.” Share your own imperfections: “I wanted to cook a fancy dinner, but I messed up the recipe. That’s okay—I learned something!”
Why it helps: This normalizes mistakes and reduces the pressure to meet “should” standards, building resilience.
For all ages: Create a “Trying Jar” where kids add a bead or note for every effort they make, reinforcing that progress matters.
Create a Safe Space for Mistakes
What to do: Let kids know it’s okay to mess up or not meet every expectation. If they’re upset about a “should” (e.g., “I should have made the team”), validate their feelings, then reframe.
Why it helps: A safe environment reduces the fear of failure, making kids less likely to impose harsh “shoulds” on themselves.
For parents: Avoid reinforcing “shoulds” unintentionally. Instead of “You should study harder,” try “Let’s find a way to practice for your test that helps you the most.”
Citations
Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. International Universities Press.
Fenn, K., & Byrne, M. (2013). The key principles of cognitive behavioural therapy. InnovAiT, 6(9), 579-585.
Hedman, E., Ström, P., Stünkel, A., & Mörtberg, E. (2013). Shame and guilt in social anxiety disorder: Effects of cognitive behavior therapy and association with social anxiety and depressive symptoms.
Suveg, C., Sood, E., Comer, J. S., & Kendall, P. C. (2009). Changes in emotion regulation following cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxious youth. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology,
Batchelder, A. W., et al. (2020). Interventions to reduce shame: A systematic review. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice
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